suzy came over and asked me if i could fix her barbeque pins.

"your what?" i asked.

"my barbeque pins, here in my hair." she points to the bobby pin clutching three hairs for dear life, about to fall out.

"oh sure, i'll fix your barbeque pins for you."


brain gobblers

"STOP IT! STOP IT!" suzy screams between sobs.

"who are you talking to? what do you want them to stop doing?" i ask, concerned because she seems so upset, maybe even hurt.

"suzette." she says as she tries to catch her breath. "she gobbled up my brain!"

now here's where me typing this story doesn't do it justice, because she said it with such conviction, and with so many tears in her eyes, gasping for breath that i just couldn't. not. laugh.

i tried to keep it in. i didn't want suzy to think i didn't care, but it was just such a funny thing to say when i was expecting something so much worse. after i let my laughter slip, i immediately became aware of the fact that i might hurt suzy's feelings until i heard her start to giggle too. that was close. she could've been discussing that with her therapist years from now:

"...and then i remember when my preschool teacher laughed at me when i was really upset about something. i've never been the same..."

shrek vs. sir mix-a-lot

suzy walks past me and very plainly states, "i like big butts an-a-can-a-lie. [pause] i have that song at my house. it's the big butts an-a-can-a-lie song."

"what? what did you say?" suzette asks.

"big butts AN-A-CAN-A-LIE song." suzy says.

"what? say it louder!" suzette says with urgency as if she really doesn't understand what suzy's saying.


"oh." suzette responds.

now i can only assume she heard that song on the movie shrek, but you just never know if her parents have the sir mix-a-lot album. i don't know which is worse.


reduce, reuse...

suzy and i were playing legos together. one lego had an eyeball on either side, and another one had a smile on one side and a frown on the other. when i stuck them together i proudly exclaimed, "look, it's a cyclops! happy cyclops, sad cyclops," i said as i flipped it back and forth.

"do you know what a cyclops is?" i asked. when suzy said no, i explained to her. then i showed her the cyclops face again.

"happy..." she pauses as she tries to figure out what it's called. "happy RECYCLING!"

close enough.


ambiguous alosaurus

billy explains to me what he looks like. "i'm a dinosaur and i'm big. i have big legs and my chest and little arms and no penis."

"oh. are you a girl dinosaur?" i ask.

"...[strange look]...NO!"


kitchen remodel

day one. march 30th.

your mom is crazy

"my mom was saying, 'suzy, where are you?' and she was trickin' me! Isn't that funny?" suzy exclaims to suzette.

"your mom is crazy." suzette says.

"yeah, her name is sue."